I'm Not A Snack...I'm The Whole Damn Meal!

What is your definition of beauty? Does someone’s weight play a role in how you view their attractiveness?

Be honest.

I have listened to quite a few conversations where it seems like many of us equate beauty or someone being attractive to how fit they look, how small their waist is, or if they have abs. Nothing is wrong with that if thats what you like but are you cognizant of the parties that are amongst these conversations?

I am a plus size woman. I am very confident in my body but I have not always been. Especially since I have not always been plus size. I was very slim. Had some abs peeking in and all chile! I worked out every day. Sometimes two and three times a day. I had a personal trainer and a gym membership. It was my addiction.

Then I moved back home and enjoyed home cooked meals every day. I now weigh the most I have ever weighed in my entire life. At first, I was in shock, I was depressed, I developed an eating disorder, Bulimia Nervosa aka Bulimia, and I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. If a guy expressed interest, I just knew they were playing with me or I was the butt of some joke. I was looking for Ashton expecting to be punked. I didn’t think I was pretty and honestly a lot of those insecurities stemmed from what I saw not just in myself but what I saw when I watched tv, when I scrolled my timelines on social media, even when I was around groups of friends or co-workers. When you have society, social media, magazines, media, advertisements, and people in your own life all portraying that beauty is being slim, you tend to look at yourself differently. My co-workers talk about weight every single day. No exaggeration. They judge what you bring for lunch or if you buy food. They judge if you don’t walk. They judge everything. No one in this group is slim now. We all have some things we would like to change but when your lifestyle is constantly being scrutinized under a microscope, you become self-conscious.

I don’t eat lunch with them or walk with them as often anymore.

When you are amongst people who are slim and you have multiple people complimenting everyone on how “small” they are or how “slim” they look, you think “well damn, am I not pretty if I’m not small or slim?” Even when I was small, my ex told me I didn’t look like a supermodel. I had an online company ask me to model for them. Did the photoshoot, got paid and they even posted me on their website and page. They altered everything about me though, all the way to flattening my stomach. They posted both pictures on their page, months after each other.

There still lacks representation of plus size women in media. Some brands and boutiques have implemented a “plus size” section to their websites and stores so that’s a step but let’s be honest. Sometimes those clothes are very old fashioned like big women can’t be fashionable or can’t wear two-piece swimsuits. Sometimes I find a boutique I like and don’t even see a size larger than large or extra-large so I be like “I’m good.” A bih is fluffy. What am I going to do in a large...A LARGE? Stop playing in my face!

What I do love is that there are more plus size artists and influencers who are coming out and saying “I’m a bad b***h too!” Shout out to Lizzo!!

Sometimes it’s not so easy to think better of yourself when you literally have everyone telling you your size is not okay. You don’t see much representation of yourself anywhere so how is one suppose to believe that “I AM beautiful regardless of my size”?

One day, right before my 30th birthday, I decided enough was enough. I was going to love myself. I was going to stop worrying what other people thought of me and only care about what EYE thought of me. So, I got naked and sat in front of the mirror. I looked at myself up and down and my goal was to affirm what I saw. I just started to cry. I cried my eyes out. That ugly, uncontrollable cry.

I cried out all of that negative energy I felt about myself.

I cried out all of the shame and guilt I felt.

I cried out everyone else’s opinion of me.

I cried.

Then I stood in that mirror and told myself I was beautiful. I rubbed on myself (in a non-sexual way) and felt all of my rolls and stretch marks. I affirmed to myself that I was enough and if anyone tried to make me feel like I wasn’t, then they aren’t good enough to be in my life. I started to cry again because this was the first time I actually started to truly love myself...and it felt so good!

Now, please understand I still have some insecurities. I am human. We all have them. But also, please believe what you see is what you get! My confidence is through the roof and I love every ounce of me! If I want to get a large fry and a coke, I WILL! If I want to eat a salad, I WILL! If I want to wear a two-piece bathing suit, I WILL! I do what I want now because I stopped caring about what others think.

Side note: If you see me a year from now and I’m smaller, its’ not because I don’t love myself now. I just know I do want better for myself and that starts with my eating habits and my workout regimen. I just don’t want nobody coming for me because y’all know how y’all are!

Another side note: If I say I’m fat, don’t tell me I’m pretty. I said I’m fat, not ugly. K bye.